Summarizing Some Stuff & a Pitch to Page Boy Productions
A companion to John Eisenhauer's online novel, summarizing 'Authentic Self' and an idea for a really cool Elliot Page movie.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
- A Tale of Two Cities (1859) by Charles Dickens
In November 2023, I set up my website which was helmed with the line: John Eisenhauer’s Writing Project. For nearly a year prior, I wrote the first six chapters of my novel Brandon Gets His Big Break and the autobiographical Prologue. Having created my website to share this work, I posted it.
As I discuss in the Prologue, I was crippled by a really heavy drug and alcohol problem that filled me with violent and highly self-destructive emotions: this incapacitated me for decades. My head only cleared to an acceptable degree in my late fifties (I’m now 64). It was simply more than a ‘traditional addiction’. The very heavy drinking interacted with my (needed) anticonvulsant. This produced the following side effects. suicidal ideation, depression, acute confusion, behavioral disorders. I was very literally insane for most of my life: my teenage years to my mid- to -late- fifties. However, this insanity was not inherent in my physiology (but artificially induced). Now…I’m just presenting an overview here. If you want more, go to the Prologue (and that barely scratches the surface.)
My life has been one of suicide attempts, some fairly ugly street stuff (example: a pimp once held a gun to my head and almost blew it off) and homelessness. When I was homeless, I quit taking the 1200 milligrams of the anticonvulsant on a daily basis. This was the amount prescribed by the medical establishment. This was an insanely high amount: I religiously took that dosage from my teen years to my mid-fifties. This overprescribed amount was in conjunction with the relentless drinking and street drugs.
This essay is being platformed by Substack. They don’t allow profanity. But this endless intake of substances freaked me up for a very long time.
I started to take a fraction of the prescribed amount while I was homeless (2011-2013). This was not a rational act. I was simply too messed up to function and that included staying up on my drug regimen. Thankfully, I had quit drinking back in the ‘90’s (and I immensely proud of that) but the high intake of the drug still bedeviled me. When I cut back on the drug, it set into motion a process where I detoxed and finally glimpsed some sanity.
I now take 200 milligrams a day (1/6 the amount that I took for decades). I do not drink. My only recreational drug is pot. I am convinced that it both aides the anticonvulsant and acts as a psychotropic.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my conversion to Judaism. In 2013 – when I was homeless and pretty darned tormented – I posted a blog on the website Boulder Jewish News that I converted a year prior. This is another topic that I can’t do justice here (due to space limitations). The writings of Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan (Reconstructionist Judaism) and Jewish mysticism (found in the Renewal branch) explained life to me. More than that, I developed – and still hold – an undying love for the Jewish People. Given the way things are going, public proclamations like this could end up getting me killed. But…synchronicity. I very well could have offed myself if I did not stumble across Kaplan’s book in the public library. I owe them.
I also owe Elliot Page for providing knowledge & insight that helped me tremendously.
I posted the first six chapter of ‘Brandon’ on my website to discuss my experiences and the resultant philosophy: Authentic Self. In Chapter Six of ‘Brandon’, Brandon and Jim are eating BBQ: Brandon talks about his philosophy Assumed Harm: same thing.
I’m getting my ideas out because I must. I am driven. I am possessed by the need to express this philosophy (to express myself). I was possessed by chemically induced madness for many decades. Now, I am possessed by sanity. And this possession drives me to get my ideas out. I’m doing it in a chaotic fashion: posting an online novel piecemeal and writing these commentaries in a willy nilly fashion. But, my friend, I am possessed. I am possessed to express myself in this way.
There would be no philosophy to express if not for Elliot Page.
I started with the powerful opening paragraph from Charles Dicken’s 1859 novel A Tale of Two Cities
The powerful excerpt encapsulates the contrasting aspects of life—the highs and lows, wisdom and folly, hope and despair. It serves as a poignant reminder that within each of us lies both light and darkness, and our experiences shape our understanding of the world. The concept of duality is deeply embedded in the human experience, akin to the delicate balance of yin and yang, light and dark, and the peaks and valleys that weave the intricate tapestry of our lives.
Call it Authentic Self or Assumed Harm, my view is that a person is bedeviled by dualities. Simultaneously, a person has an Authentic Self (the inherent nature that he or she is driven to physically manifest).
I have complex feelings about Buddhism: a passionate embrace of some of its ideas and equally virulent rejection of other notions. This is yet something else that I cannot do justice here. But how does a person know that he should pursue the discipline that gives rise to enlightenment when not yet enjoying the clarity of mind that comes from enlightenment?
The goal of Buddhism is to attain Nirvana. According to that philosophy – and I consider it a ‘mystical philosophy’ as opposed to a strident theology – Nirvana is a state of mind that ends the cycle of death and rebirth. Nirvana is a mental state where all greed, hatred, and ignorance is extinguished. This breaks the bonds to physical reality allowing one to become one with the Cosmos.
This is over the top for me. But Buddhism does emphasize that controlling one’s emotions is core to personal development. This I embrace. The philosophy was developed 2,500 years ago. Contrast it to the beliefs from that time. Many systems argued that spiritual attainment was achieved by believing in an obviously made-up deity (a majority of people still believe such drivel). Despite my disagreements with it, I feel that it was…well…on the right path.
In Buddhism, how does an unenlightened person know that he must pursue enlightenment (given that he is corrupted by delusional emotions)? Like Alcoholics Anonymous, it is the realization that life is unmanageable.
Now…let’s tie the Dicken’s quote together with my philosophy of Assumed Harm.
It was a slow, truncated and very torturous process. But starting with my period of homelessness – in the 2010’s – I started to embrace ever greater clarity. The Dicken’s quote talks about how humanity is broken by dualities. And it is.
Two ways to look at it.
Thing One. You have an Authentic Self (that which is your true nature and is broken into sexual, intellectual, and emotional components). But this Authentic Self is obscured by the dualities that are fictions. These fictions are foisted upon you by others that want to control you. They want to control you because they are too weak (sexually, emotionally, and intellectually) to uncover their respective Authentic Self.
Thing Two. You have an Authentic Self (that which is your true nature and is broken into sexual, intellectual, and emotional components). This Authentic Self is obscured by fictions that are foisted on you by those who wish to control you. The duality is the dichotomy between your Authentic Self and the fictions.
As I started to gain that clarity, I came to the realization that I was meant to be a certain kind of person. I was meant to be a creative and expressive guy. I was meant to write essays like this one. I was meant to write books like Brandon Gets His Big Break. It is my Authentic Self to express myself. I know that most people won’t understand what I’m saying or – if they do – will think that it’s nuts. I don’t care:
I have to express myself. I have to speak My Truth.
This is my Authentic Self. This is who I always was. This is what I have to do. I have to manifest what always was.
But external actors – my parents and the medical establishment – kept me from being my Authentic Self (Prologue).
It’s time to throw Elliot Page into the mix.
I must be clear.:
I believe Mr. Page with every molecule of my being.
I’ve listened to his interviews. I read his memoir Pageboy (more about that shortly: it is central to my story). He’s a smart, thoughtful, and stable man. I contrast him to the mendacious fools that define our government and media (and – this scares me - will determine our future): the ‘Marjorie Taylor Greene’s, the ‘Jesse Watters’s, the ‘Donald Trump’s.
There would be no philosophy to express if not for Elliot Page.
It’s easy to just say this. Maybe I’m a guy just trying to curry favor with an influential man. At this point, there’s history. The first draft of my much ballyhooed ‘Prologue’ was posted 10/22/23. In it, I wrote the following:
[…]I want to give a shout out to Elliot Page. I’m posting this on-line and really do hope that you read this. So…I’m going to address this next bit to you directly. While I was working on ‘Brandon’, I read you memoir Pageboy. It really helped me.
I then write several pages aimed at Mr. Page. I talk about Authentic Self.
I mentioned Chapter Six of ‘Brandon’. I like to call it a ‘philosophical novel’. There’s a segment in this chapter that vindicates that. Brandon and Jim - a pair of smartass lovers – are discussing the nature of self over BBQ. ‘Elliot Page’ is discussed by name. Brandon – a professional writer – makes up a hypothetical guy ‘John’ to further his point. This ‘John’ was plagued by a past of drug and alcohol problems (oddly…the problems are identical to mine). He compares the two.
Mr. Page is a recurring theme in my essays. In The Gnosis of Elliot Page (which is subtitled 'A companion to John Eisenhauer's online novel, the process of realizing divine knowledge about authentic self'), I argue that he shows transcendent wisdom by pursuing his true nature against great odds.
So…what’s up with the Elliot Page fixation?
He published his memoir Pageboy on June 6, 2023.
A couple years prior, my personal development entered an interesting phase. I was pretty fully clear of the madness caused by the overprescription, the alcohol and the street drugs. I was now in a deep funk about my wasted – and very hellish – life. My parents gleefully encouraged my drinking: the medical establishment just kept upping this indescribably powerful drug until I was a raving lunatic. I was bitter. I was angry. I was filled with hate.
Then I read Pageboy.
And…stuff…made sense.
I always had an Authentic Self: a smart, opinionated, and creative guy. External actors – my parents & the medical establishment – blocked my realization of it. The past didn’t matter. My mission was to physically manifest my Authentic Self. He did it and so could I.
Honestly, the book came out at the perfect time.
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I should stop there. But I’m just itching to pitch a movie idea for Mr. Page and his company Page Boy Productions.
It’s a remake of Die Hard (1988): Elliot Page plays John McClane.
Wow…that’s horrible. Unspeakably bad.
Hey, hear me out.
Page’s McClane is not a New York cop. He the supervisor of computer systems at Nakatomi Plaza. During the holiday party, he has to work in his office to install upgrades to the computer lock system for the safe in the basement. Hans Gruber’s team arrives and shoots the place up. McClane’s office is on the top floor, and he doesn’t hear squat. Like in the original, Gruber’s computer guy – Theo – goes to work disabling the computer locks. McClane immediately realizes that the system is being breached. He starts blocking the breach from his terminal. Theo realizes that he’s being foiled by someone in the building. He tells Gruber. Gruber interrogates (tortures) Nakatomi. He sends a team to McClane’s office to kill him.
McClane realizes that someone is coming. He heads to another terminal in a different office to continue to block the breach. The film has a more well-rounded cat-and-mouse quality than the original: both intellectual and physical.
Being 2024, there are no walkie talkies but cell phones (we’ll have to fabricate a reason why McClane can’t call the cops…doable).
Like the original, McClane kills Gruber’s brother (Karl). Gruber calls Karl. McClane answers. Gruber knows that this is the computer guy that is frustrating his attempt to get into the safe. He knows that McClane is trans (possibly, he gets that out of Nakatomi before killing him). Much of the back-and-forth is Gruber mocking McClane. Imagine an Alan Rickman-type actor (very unfortunate that he’s no longer with us) saying stuff like:
“This is a man’s game…little girl…and - your pathetic delusions aside - you’re not one. Stop playing the game and I’ll let you live.”
But, of course, Page’s McClane’s saves the day.
While not the same level of action as the original – not feeling Elliot Page swinging from a fire hose while shooting out a plate glass window – McClane kills his share of bad guys. And…I really want to see him fire an Uzi!
I have a bunch of ideas. I’ll share them with Page Boy Productions in the form of a short proposal.
There’s one thing that I do want to put out. You lose the secondary storylines of the original: no cop or media guy. This McClane is a supervisor at Nakatomi Plaza. As a transgender man, how was he received by his subordinates? In a series of flashbacks, this is addressed. McClane hears his coworkers mocking him behind back.
Ultimately, of course, he wins everyone’s respect by saving the day.
C’mon! Don’t you see how freaking subversive it is to have Elliot Page play John McClane?!
Blah…blah...blah. The corporate entertainment paymasters would never bankroll this. Well…duh. You go outside the traditional funding structure. Go-Fund-Me. Friendly foundations and non-profits. Direct appeals. Given the clear appeal (for the political left), the money can be raised. Instead of the funding being arranged over lunch, it becomes cause-celebre with sympathetic members of the public. This means massive buzz even before the filming starts. Toney A-Listers will work for scale to be a part of it. If it does well (for an ‘indie’), those corporate entertainment paymasters would bankroll another film helmed by a trans lead. A trans James Bond-type?
I’d like someone at Page Boy Productions to get to me. Go to my website. Click on the EMAIL ME button and…you know. I just want to send you guys something short (1,000-1,500 words). At minimum, it’d be fun to read.
Namaste & Shalom,
John Eisenhauer